by : Melissa Ricker Co-Parenting

Tips for When You Are Missing the Kids

As if divorce itself isn’t bad enough, when there are kids involved, it’s even worse. In fact, most newly divorced parents would say the hardest part about divorce is missing the kids when they are with the ex-wife or ex-husband. Going to bed without those bedtime romps and kisses every night or waking up to a lonely, quiet house can be extremely tough.

The good news is that you’ll learn to cope with the children being away. You’ll never stop missing the kids, but you can adjust to your new lifestyle. Here are five tips for coping when you miss your kids.

Stop Beating Yourself Up

As a newly divorced parent, it is really easy to blame yourself when aren’t with the kids. After all, you chose or agreed to this divorce, right? You may catch yourself saying things like “I am a horrible parent for choosing my happiness over being with my children” or “I chose to be without my kids. I should have stayed even though I was unhappy.” You may feel guilty and selfish now that the reality of shared custody has set in.

Beating yourself up when you are missing the kids isn’t going to do anyone any good. After all, would you rather have the children growing up in an unhappy home? Two separate and happy parents can be better than two unhappy parents together.

Remind yourself that choosing divorce in an unhappy marriage is often best for everyone involved, including the kids. Especially if the divorce wasn’t your idea, then you had no choice and shouldn’t beat yourself up.

Keep Yourself Busy When You Are Missing the Kids

Keeping yourself occupied will not only help you pass the time when you don’t have your kids, but it will help pull you out of a slump and begin the process of rebuilding your new life. You’ll have more alone time now so you might as well start to use it and enjoy it.

Fill your calendar with enjoyable activities when the kids are with your ex. Use this time alone to get back into a long-lost hobby or do something for yourself.

Read a book, see a movie, focus on your career or learn a new hobby. Treat yourself to something special. As you move on and begin to date again, plan your dating for when you won’t have the kids. This way you will have something to look forward to and focus on during the times your children are away.

Prepare for the Next Visit with the Children

A good way to keep busy that also helps you feel better is to prepare for the next visit with your child or children. You can clean your home, stock up on food and other essentials and plan what activities you are going to do together.

For younger ones especially, it is recommended that you collect the kids from the other parent’s home if the changeover is not happening through school. Under most parenting plans, child visit transport responsibility is with the receiving parent.

You probably won’t have to try to collect them in a happy, positive mood. Greet your children warmly with a hug and have a catch-up chat. Get a feel for their mood and what would be the ideal thing to do first. Often, kids just want to return home and hang out there for a bit.

Take Care of Yourself

Divorced parents are a little bit like masochists. They feel guilty for having fun or taking care of themselves when they aren’t with their children. But when it comes down to it, you must take care of yourself following a divorce if you want to be able to take care of your children.

Taking care of yourself will make you a better parent, and it will set a good example for your children. Divorce can lead to anxiety and depression especially when you’re desperately missing your children. If you don’t make an effort to take care of yourself, this can spill over to your kids.

So, take the time to get the help and care that you need to make the transition to single fatherhood or motherhood. Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your children.

Be Flexible with Schedule Changes

Take advantage of every chance you get to spend with your kids. While it may be tempting to say “no” to your ex’s request for you to take the kids an extra night so they can go on a business trip or a date, take the high road and think about what you want.

Is your desire to hurt your ex or cause grief larger than your desire to get the kids an extra day? Take advantage of the extra time and thank your ex for it!

Communicate with Your Children

Divorce is tough on children too. They may have similar feelings of anxiety or guilt with the new lifestyle, and they may worry about you when they go to stay with the other parent. So, talk to them about it.

Let them know you are going to be okay by telling them about your plans. Tell them about the book you are going to read or the old friend you plan to catch up with. Don’t let them see how sad you are when they leave. Take the burden off of them.

When you are missing the kids, you may spend hours wondering what they are up to and if they are okay. The best way to silence the worry is to ask.

When you have your kids, ask about their week. Get curious. Ask about their school and their hobbies. Ask about their feelings and how they are doing.

Listen to their answers. Just don’t give in to the temptation to ask too much about the other parent or criticize them to the kids. Children don’t need to be in the middle of your relationship trouble.

Enjoy the Time With the Kids

Focus on the time you will have with the kids and don’t obsess about the times you won’t. When you aren’t with your kids, think about the activities you’ll enjoy together when they come back. It doesn’t matter what you do with your kids when they are with you. You don’t have to plan extravagant outings or spend a lot of money. Just enjoy your time together. Listen to their stories, make them giggle, and soak up every moment.

There are lots of distracted parents who don’t take full advantage of the time they have with their children. They turn on the TV or browse their smartphones while the kids play instead of getting down on the floor with them. They work extra hours at work instead of making it home every night for dinner.

Divorced parents, however, typically have more appreciation of the time with their children because it is limited. Sometimes quality is more important than quantity. Focus on what you do have. Be grateful for it.

You’ll Survive

Divorce is tough, and you can expect a period of adjustment after the final decree is entered. There will be days you don’t see your children at all, and it can be easy to focus on how much you are missing the kids. This can lead to even more unhappiness and loneliness.

Remember, you have the power to decide what to focus on. You can choose to focus on the time you do have together and make the most of the time you are away from them. Divorce changes everything, and part of that change includes personal growth and improvement in relationships – including your relationships with your kids.

While the amount of time you spend with them may decrease, the quality of the time can actually increase. Focus on the positive. It may not make you miss your kids any less, but it can help you cope and adjust to the divorced lifestyle.

by : Todd Carver Co-Parenting

Creating an Awesome Dad’s House

Use your strengths to develop your relationship with your kids.

One of the unfortunate consequences of divorce is a significant reduction in our time with our children. Normally the demands on our adult lives, such as work, bills and responsibilities, tear away at our available free time. Now that divorce is involved, your time available to spend with your children is further reduced.

Achieving Joint Custody or Whatever You Can Get

A sad reality, though the situation is improving, is that the odds are stacked against fathers in family courts. Mothers still are often awarded sole or primary custody. That pushes fathers into being non-custodial parents, who spend a third or less of their time with their children.

To get joint custody, a good starting place is to find an effective fathers’ right attorney. These are lawyers who specialize in family law. In particular, they are aware of the issues facing fathers and know the strategies to help fathers achieve the best outcomes for children.

To give yourself the best chance of getting a great parenting arrangement, some of the strategies are the following.

  • Maintain a cooperative relationship with your ex. Never do anything that could get you accused of domestic violence or being involved in conflict.
  • Maintain a close relationship with your child or children. See them as often as possible for as long as possible. Judges take existing relationships into account when making parenting orders.
  • Be flexible with work and your living arrangements. To be a co-parent, you need to have free time available and to be living close to the other parent and your child’s school.

Custody Time is for Building Memories

All of us currently living in the divorced dad reality will unanimously agree that it is much harder to get time with our kids that may result in a lasting memory. When you look back through your memories with your parents and try to discover what led to the bond you currently have with them, you will likely key in on a few, distinct memorable moments with them.

Many people say they had a kind, or loving dad, but their reason for this conclusion is based on characteristics that were consistently demonstrated during moments that were memorable. The opposite is also true for bad memories that lead to harsh conclusions.

The moments stick, and it’s the consistent emotions and repeated behavior you exhibit and share with your children during these times that create the foundation of their relationship with you.

Instead of spending your limited time competing with your ex, use your strengths to create an awesome dad’s house that your kids will be excited to live in or visit.

How to Achieve Quality Time Without Spending

Father and son bird watching in the forest

Too many of us go about maximizing our time with our kids the wrong way. One of the most common mistakes made, and believe me nearly all of us are guilty of this one, is to spend money in an attempt to buy the happy moments.

You may only get a few days out of the month with your kids. With so little time, it becomes hard to say no. Your desire is to pack all the fun you can into a little bit of time. Nothing is easier than breaking out the credit card and letting loose at the mall or amusement park.

To tell the truth, along with the desire to remove any of the barriers is likely a darker desire to stick it a little to your ex. All of us have been there and I’m fairly certain all of us are guilty.

Three main points you should remember, though, to help you avoid the temptation to let loose with the money:

  1. Bought memories aren’t as lasting as earned memories.
  2. A disparity in rules and spending between the households is not good for you or the kids.
  3. You are setting a bad precedent.

As you think about each of those, I think the first two are pretty clear. We only have so much time with our children, especially after divorce. Our goal as parents is to prepare their foundation so they can make the best decisions possible in life when they head out on their own.

Dangers of Money Focused Parenting

Who we are today is built heavily on the lessons learned from our parents. Our likelihood to absorb those lessons is directly related to our relationship with them. You can’t buy a moment to pass on a value. Instead you may be passing on the undesired lesson that money and spending is required to have fun.

If there is a disparity in the households driven by your spending then you are creating confusion for the kids. And, if you aren’t careful, you are setting the precedent that you are the source of money.

While you may have more resources than your ex, the bill will only grow as your children grow. It may be cheap to splurge on a make-your-own teddy bear place when they are young. But imagine what they will come to expect when they are in middle school, or even high school. Their foundation will be built on the belief that fun takes money and that dad is the source of that money.

If their only relationship with you involves money, and you later take that away, there is nothing left to fall back on, except your backside! Everyone one of us has characteristics that are worthwhile that you can instead build upon to maximize your time with your kids while building the values you desire.

Use Your Unique Strengths as a Co-Parent

As a child of divorce also, I found that each of my parent’s houses brought unique elements that I enjoyed. My mom had her strengths and my dad had his.

Your kids in the early days of divorce are very likely going to prefer one of the houses, and resist going to the other. To avoid this being your house, you have to create an awesome Dad’s House.

Instead of competing with your ex, think instead to complement and highlight the areas of you that she doesn’t have. While a rule-free fun house will just bite you, you can have a fun house that still has rules and boundaries.

Align Activities With Your Child’s Interests

If you think about your strengths, especially areas that aren’t her strong points, and focus on the ones that align with your children’s interests, you will quickly get to a good environment.

If you are the outdoors guy and love hiking, but your kids hate hikes, don’t go on hikes. Instead think about how all kids love messing around in streams, or swimming in lakes and rivers, so maybe find the short hikes to cool places. It is during these rare, interactive times where you have their attention and interest that you can inject memorable lessons and associated values into their development.

My ex is an artist, so I don’t even bother with a craft area. But the outdoors is my playground and my kids today look forward to what new adventures and exploring we can do together.

Now is the time to  seize your opportunity to highlight your strengths and develop your relationship with your kids. You can and should take advantage of your time apart to focus on the areas you like that don’t align with your children’s interests.

Be Strong and Grow Together

It’s important to feed your needs and, by doing so, you can focus the limited time with them on areas they enjoy. When you think about the values you want for your children, those will only come from their witnessing the same behavior from you during key memorable events.

Each season presents unique opportunities for these moments. Set aside a naive hope that the moments need to happen naturally. After divorce, your time is very limited. Grasp it, plan, and go out and set the stage for times your children won’t forget.

by : Amy Blacklock Co-Parenting

Co-Parenting a Child On the Spectrum

When our child is one with special needs or is a child on the spectrum, additional attention and care are often required. Add in parents living in separate households due to a divorce and the efforts and considerations multiply.

Parenting may be one of the most difficult things one does in life. After giving birth to a child, we are not provided with an instruction manual. In fact, we are provided with minimal direction at all to cope with the many unexpected things that inevitably happen.

Being responsible and acting in our children’s best interests, regardless of how we feel about an ex-spouse, is crucial to the well-being of our children. With no perfect set of rules or step-by-step instructions, it may not be easy. But, by keeping in mind some general guidelines, creating positive outcomes for all is achievable.

Parenting Time with a Child On the Spectrum

The quantity and the quality of time spent with your child matters. Developing and maintaining a quality relationship with your child requires specific and regular time. However, it is not just the amount of time and when it occurs that matters, it is perhaps even more importantly, the quality of that time.

Our children need us to be not only physically, but also mentally and emotionally. Staying attuned to their needs and emotionally involved in what’s going on with them. Holding an interest in the many aspects of their lives and staying actively involved in their day-to-day routines.

During your parenting time, look to maintain and encourage existing relationships and routines with extended family members, friends, school, and other activities. It is important for your child as it adds to their feelings of security and sense of stability.

Do not involve your children in adult issues, nor use them as pawns or messengers in communication with your ex. Instead, stick with their normal routines and relationships, and shelter them from the problems and responsibilities of their parents.

Strive for Consistency

Since children with Asperger’s prefer routine and structure, working with your ex-spouse to maintain as much consistency between households will greatly benefit your child. While it’s not a must to maintain exact schedules, practices, and rules between households, the fewer deviations, the better it will be, especially with younger children. 

Differing perspectives and flexibility help children learn to act and adjust, but understanding they face similar sets of routines and expectations at each home is beneficial and less confusing for them.

A child on the spectrum typically does well with ‘rules’ and consistent ones for important things like schoolwork, hygiene, and dis-allowed activities, between households, will make it, so your kids don’t have to remember which set is for which home.

Additionally, similar systems of rewards for good behavior and consequences for broken rules, no matter under whose roof they occurred under are helpful. If your child earned extra computer time for good behavior or lost TV privileges for poor behaviors while with your ex, continue to uphold those rewards or consequences at your home, and your ex should do the same.

Stay Involved

Both parents need to be involved in all major decisions. Honest, open, and straightforward communication about your child’s well-being is essential. Your ex-spouse and you will need to set aside any differences between you to ensure you are acting in your child’s best interest.

You owe it to your child to take an active role in decisions affecting their physical and mental health, as well as their education and social learning.

Attend medical and health-related appointments together or alternate attending meetings, keeping the other informed about all discussions that took place with doctors, dentists, and therapists.

Let your child’s school and teachers know about your child’s living arrangements. Communicate with your ex about class schedules, homework, extracurricular activities, and friends. Attend parent-teacher conferences, IEP meetings, and school events to stay informed and involved. It’s important for you to participate in school matters and not rely on your ex to always keep you up-to-date.

Be on the lookout for signs of stress in your child. Anxiety and depression are quite common with kids on the spectrum. Healthy communication with your ex-spouse, as well as your child’s teachers and caregivers, will allow you all to address issues more quickly and easily if and when they arise.

Work Through Disagreements

You are divorced for a reason; thus it’s highly likely you will disagree with your ex sooner or later. To help you find resolution at these times, keep the following in mind.

Remain respectful and considerate, especially in front of the children. It will likely be very damaging for your child to witness the conflict between you parents.

Continuous conflict is shown to damage a child’s well-being. Control your emotions and respectfully discontinue any volatile discussions with your ex until there is a more opportune time to talk.

To resolve any disagreements, continue discussions with your ex, without your child around, until you can reach an agreement. If you cannot do that alone, enlist the help of a mediator or therapist.

Pick your battles and compromise. Key issues or rules such as medical or educational matters are a must to work through but learn to compromise on things that aren’t as important to you, so you have the energy to stand your ground on the ones that are.

Find Support and Maintain Your Own Wellbeing

Take care of yourself so that you can take care of your child. Your child relies on you, and unless you take care of your own physical, emotional and mental health, you will not be able to care for them adequately.

Family, friends, and support groups are crucial in helping you deal with your emotions and uncomfortable feelings, such as anger, jealousy, or profound sadness. As you transition into your parenting role rely on your support system or look to more professional sources of support should you need it. Anger management programs, parenting classes, or formal group therapy sessions exist to help you work through difficult times and learn necessary skills to manage life healthily.

The needs of a child on the spectrum evolve. As your child grows, it is important that you continue to educate yourself about their changing needs. Talk with their health care providers, school administrators, teachers, and counselors to stay abreast of any resources available to help you meet them.

Your needs and those of your ex will likely also change as time goes on. Schedules may need to be adjusted as your child ages or progress through certain stages of development. Be prepared to alter or tailor parenting time to meet the needs of your child or the unique circumstances of the families in your or your ex-spouse’s household.

No matter what, keep the following important factors in mind: 1) your child needs as consistent of a schedule and routine as possible; 2) your child needs both a high quantity and a high-quality relationship with each parent, and 3) your child needs to be insulated from any adult parenting issues.

Communication is vital between you and your ex. While you may not have succeeded at it as a couple, it is an absolute requirement that you do so as divorced co-parents. Find a way to do it effectively and get help if you need. Your child deserves it.

Sources and recommended resources

HelpGuide.org

AutismSupportNetwork.com

PsychologyToday.com